#104 Stuck in Self-Doubt? The #1 Reason You Can't Move Forward

You can see the life you want, then self-doubt talks you back into the life you already know.

Maybe you know the relationship is draining you, the habit is hurting you, the boundary needs to be set, or the next step is waiting for you. But the moment you begin to move forward, your mind gets loud, your body tightens, and familiar pain starts to feel safer than unfamiliar freedom.

That does not mean you are incapable. It means your brain and nervous system may be trying to protect you by keeping you close to what feels known, predictable, and survivable.

This is why being stuck in self-doubt can feel so convincing. It can sound like “I’m not ready”, “I can’t do this”, or “other women can change, but I can’t”. But sometimes that voice is not truth. Sometimes it is protection wearing the language of limitation.

In this episode, we unpack why familiar pain can keep you stuck, why unfamiliar freedom can feel unsafe, and how to begin moving forward with more self-trust, compassion, and confidence

Listen to the full episode now and discover why your self-doubt may not be proof that you cannot change, but a sign that one small, brave step is asking to be taken.

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Transcript

Welcome to The Billy Boss Show

Billy Boss 0:02

I'm Billy Boss, and this is the Billy Boss Show where healing builds confidence. You don't get what you want, you get what you believe you deserve. So if you're a woman who truly believes she deserves more, more healing, more confidence, more self-worth, more love, more freedom, and more from life, then this podcast is for you. This is the space to unlock the pathway back to yourself, regulate your nervous system, and rise into the future version of you with great trust, truth, and confidence. Let's go. Today

Why Change Feels So Hard

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we are talking about a topic that many people ask themselves this question why change is so hard. You might be also resonating with this. So if you are someone asking yourself this question, why change is so hard, or maybe you've asked somebody else, or maybe you reached out to coaches, therapists, anyone, friend, why change is so hard today. I'm going to do my best to explain to you. At least you'll walk away with a tiny bit more understanding of why change is so hard. Certainly, if you asked me this question about seven, eight years ago, I would not know much about why is it so hard. Maybe I would have said to you, well, you know, because um you're not maybe educated or not smart enough or you're different or anything like that because that was me. At the time when I felt why is change so hard, I did think that I'm not good enough, I'm not smart, I'm just different, I'm maybe like dumb, I can't do many things, I'm not capable, I'm not able, I don't have enough education, anything negative that you can think of, I thought about myself to really justify why change is so hard. But that's not the point. That's not the point. The point is that you are amazing, you are great, you are good enough, you're deserving of everything amazing in your life, and that has nothing to do with why change is so hard. This is a little bit deeper. So if you have been part of my online program, Rise with Confidence, or any personalized journey of coaching,

Familiar Pain and Unfamiliar Freedom

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you would know that I make so many references to familiar pain and unfamiliar freedom because I meet many clients and they're sitting at that familiar pain. And subconsciously we are looking for that unfamiliar freedom, but we are afraid to step in there because we are deeply stuck in that familiar pain. So time bit of story. Not long ago I spent a couple of amazing days with one of my clients and we did the personalised breakthrough session. Now this is very intensive form of coaching, personalised coaching. And so many times throughout those almost two days that we spent together, the question was asked why is it so hard to change? And tiny bitumble passed by and again the question lands, Billy, why is it so hard to change? Well, at least I have been able to reassure this amazing person that there is nothing wrong with her and she's not alone. So whether you are stuck in job that you do not like, whether you are in a relationship that you're not really fully enjoying, or you're

What Familiar Pain Looks Like in Real Life

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feeling not good about yourself, how you look like, how you think like, how you're feeling, or if you're actually feeling dissatisfied with your life in general, making changes can feel daunting. Making changes can really add that extra level of some fears. So as I mentioned, I will do my best to guide you through for you to understand more about why change is so hard. So let's start with familiar pain. What is that? So, familiar pain. I just want you for a moment to think where are you now in your life? Right now, even listening to this episode, where are you right now in your emotional journey, mental journey, physical journey, spiritual journey, any journey in your life? And how does it feel? Are you emotionally satisfied, mentally satisfied, financially satisfied, physically satisfied, spiritually satisfied? So the familiar pain is where you're right now, but it feels uncomfortable. Whatever doesn't feel good and you are in it, it is familiar pain. Feelings of hurt, feelings of sadness, feeling of feelings of guilt, shame. If you're sitting in any of these emotions, if you're burdened with your past experiences, if you're ruminating on them, that is your familiar pain. The narrative of negative thinking, the narrative of your negative talking to yourself about yourself, it is that familiar pain. The anxiety. Now, if you are somewhere sitting in silence, not speaking up, and you're getting anxious about what is going to happen tomorrow, next month, next year, that is your familiar pain. If you're stressing about something, that is your familiar pain. Now, can you relate to any of this? Maybe you already gave your s yourself a score ten out of ten that you are in familiar pain. So the

Why Your Brain Prefers What Is Familiar

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familiar pain, it has to do with both, with your nervous system and your brain. And let me expand on this a little bit more. This revolves around the fact that our brain and nervous system are wired to prefer what is familiar over what is unfamiliar. So even though some certain things are so unpleasant or they are so harmful, our nervous system and brain they are deeply wired to prefer what is familiar. So this is deeply rooted in our biology and our psychology. So even though we might be living or experiencing some of this unhappiness or lack of satisfaction in some areas of our life, it is easiest to stay in this loop and this circumstances then change them. It's a bit like that our familiar pain is our companion. It's present at all time. Whatever we do, it is there. So the role of the nervous system and let me try to sort of get my thoughts in here. The

The Nervous System and Resistance to Change

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nervous system consists of parasympathetic and sympathetic system. Now they do control how our body reacts to stress and relaxation. Now, sympathetic nervous system, SNS, often refers to the flight or fight system and it's responsible for preparing the body to respond to stressful or emergency situations. Where on the other side, the parasympathetic nervous system often refers to as the rest and digest system. And it's responsible for conserving the energy, protecting that energy and promoting relaxation and recovery. Woohoo! I'm so happy with myself that I somehow said parasympathetic and sympathetic without any stutter. Okay, let us move forward. Now, the nervous system runs throughout the entire body and it is responsible for regulating many functions, including fight or flight responses. And when we are faced with a new situation, when we are given opportunity for some new changes in life, our nervous system often reacts with caution because it tends to favor again what is familiar, what is novel and what is easier for the brain to handle. So this means that even if we are in a negative situation, if we are in a painful situation, if we are in some sort of uncertainty, it doesn't feel good, such as job that we don't really like, or toxic relation that that we are uh toxic relationship that we are in, our nervous system may resist changes because current situation is familiar. Oh my goodness, I'm actually the such a good example for this.

When Pain Feels Familiar but Not Healthy

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Toxic relationships, eating disorders, getting myself into troubles. I can name so many things in here because it was just familiar to me. It was not nice, it was not pleasant, but I have been in the loop. So this is why I named this and I call it familiar pain. Now my question to you again is can you relate to this familiar pain? Can you see this in this familiar pain? Are you getting what I'm trying to deliver here with what familiar pain it is? You don't like it, it doesn't serve you, but it's familiar and you're staying in it. And while familiar can keep you safe, it can also keep you stuck in situations that don't fulfill you. So in other words, the familiar pain is the place of safety. Maybe you have heard this before, but keeping yourself safe. So your familiar pain, it is place of safety. It's certainty, you already done it, you know how it feels. You expect it again, and there is a deep ingrained pattern in here. So the familiar pain is typically not healthy for us and our well being. And being creatures of habit, we like to find comfort in what is familiar. So this is why it's so hard to change even though it is a painful state we are in. We are living in that painful state. Even though it's not healthy, we are stuck, we are unhappy. So I'm hoping that this is landing for you. That you are recognizing the cycle of that familiar pain. If you're craving even more inspiration and real talk to fuel your confidence and success, I've got something special for you. Make sure you join my weekly dose of love. It's feel good email that lands in your inbox every Tuesday, packed with motivation, mindset tips, and tools to help you thrive in life and business. You can sign up at billyboss.com or simply click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this episode. Go on, give yourself that little boost of love each week because you deserve it. So to break this down, I like to break things down, let's imagine, just imagine for a moment your nervous system as an old friend, not as an age-old friend, but somebody who has been there your entire life. Someone who knows you, how you breed, how you think. Um, somebody who can actually someone who can finish your sentence when you are speaking, and it's always been there to protect you. It's always been there as your shelter. And it's always looking out for you. So your nervous system and your brain are similar like your old friend. They are always looking out for you to keep you safe. Your brain and your nervous system are designed to keep you safe by seeking out patterns and predictability. So the primary function isn't necessary to make you happy, healthy, or successful. And I'm sure you have heard me saying this so many times. Your brain, your nervous system is not designed to make you happy, healthy, or successful. It is designed to protect you. However, when breaking free from those wide patterns from things that are holding us back, the things that are not so much beneficial to us, because breaking free from what's holding us back is an unfamiliar place. It's exactly that unfamiliar freedom that we are seeking. So please I want you to go over this. So when we are breaking from those hardwired patterns that are holding us back, it is so much challenging because there is a fear of that unknown place. And that's exactly that unfamiliar freedom that we are seeking, but yet we get so afraid to get there. So this is when we're really looking to transition from that pain state into freedom state. And that's exactly the joy and happiness that we really want, yet it is very, very unfamiliar for us. So this is what we call subconscious state. Those panels are deeply seated within our body and we are now showing up. We are showing up without thinking or to pilot. And this subconscious state, we live in our subconscious about 90 to 95%. We repeatedly do some habits over and over again. Where brain now perceives it as a safety for us simply because it's familiar, it's novel to our brain and to our nervous system. I'm trusting that this is landing for you, that now you can really see why change is so hard and what is that familiar pain and that unfamiliar freedom. So I want you to really start to think can you recognise your familiar pain and where you are in your life? Why is it familiar pain? And it's exactly that what we are looking for, it is that unfamiliar freedom. But because it's unfamiliar, we are staying safe. So that familiar pain, it is comfort zone and safety. Your comfort zone is where you feel so safe and secure because it involves known experiences and an outcome. So when we talk about familiar pain, we are referring to the comfort zone where you feel so safe but unfulfilled. And this might be a job that pays the bills but doesn't inspire you. It can be a relationship that you are in that is stable, but it doesn't have enough passion. Or maybe there is some situation that feels secure but it doesn't bring you joy. So if you find yourself

The Cost of Staying in Familiar Pain

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staying in this familiar pain, I want you to really think of what is the cost of staying in this familiar pain. Staying in familiar pain comes at a significant cost. It can lead to chronic dissatisfaction, it can lead to unhappiness, it can lead to loneliness, and even mental and physical health issues. And when you are stuck in a situation that doesn't fulfill you, it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and sense of being trapped. So all of those things that I just have mentioned, frustration, resentment, trap traps, and everything else, I have that I have experienced that myself. Now, if you know any part of my story, you'll know that I faced many challenges in life. And I had to navigate the path from pain to unfamiliar freedom many, many of times. And I can tell you the truth, it hasn't been easy, but it is incredibly rewarding. I can honestly tell you that you need to trust the process, just dive in because familiar pain does come with a greater cost. So, for example, there was a time when I was battling with eating disorders, and I was not healthy at all. But when I said not healthy, it's like really not healthy. And it was a very dark period in my life, but it was my familiar reality. And the idea of changing my eating habits and focusing on my health was daunting. And it felt like stepping into a novel territory, it was very painful. But I realised that my current path at the time was costing me my well-being and happiness. I honestly was addicted to many things. I was not really um having any clarity about my life. I didn't even know what happiness meant. I did not know any of these things. So it was actually a very, very dark place. So I do get you. If you find yourself in that familiar pain and you feel stuck, I hear you, I get you, but you can do it. So what what did I do? I decided to take the leap. I just jumped in into it. You know, some you might actually find yourself that you are on that edge of the fence, like, okay, should I jump? Should I not? It looks scary. And then you start to think, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if you jump and then you start flying? So when I jumped, I had all support that helped me to um correct my diet, to adapt healthier habits. You know, I gradually got fitter. Now, when I said gradually, it actually took me years. It's not overnight. So the transition was challenging, but it pushed me out of my comfort zone. And ultimately it led me to transform myself. It led me to a healthier um self, healthier habits, and certainly much more fulfilling life. Let me share all the reasons now that I can think of and break them down into simple, easy to understand points why change is so hard. So fear of unknown. Uncertainty can be terrifying, and our brain and nervous system are wide to avoid it. We already have routines, we already have patterns in our life, and now, if we were to change some of these routines and patterns, the fear of uncertainty and the fear of unknown will kick in. Now, comfort zone. That comfort zone prevents us, it creates that safety and security for us, and stepping outside of the comfort zone, even when we can create that positive change, well, we feel threatened. So what do we do? We stay in that comfort zone. Another reason is brain's familiarity. The brain prefers familiar patterns and routines. So changing these patterns requires significant effort and energy. So by changing something, brain doesn't want it. It doesn't want to work any extra than what it's doing right now. So that's why we stay in comfort zone. Nervous system. Well, we know that nervous system tends to favor again knowing experiences, even if they're negative for us, even if they're toxic for us, because they are predictable and easier to manage. So again, it is familiar for nervous systems. Emotional attachment. This is where we often have emotional attachments to our current situation. Even if they are not fulfilling us. And usually these attachments can make it difficult to let go and move on. We are always going back to again what is familiar to us, that familiar pain. Another reason is fear of failure. Can you think of the time when this fear was present in your life? You felt that fear of failure. And feeling the fear of failing is a new situation that can be so paralysing. This fear can keep us so stuck in current circumstances even though we might be so unhappy and unhealthy and unsatisfied, but fear of failing it will keep us stuck. Now another reason is lack of confidence. This can make it hard to believe that we can successfully make any changes in our life. This can prevent us from taking again any necessary steps to improve our lives because deep down subconsciously, we don't believe that we can go through this journey. We are lacking self-belief. Another reason is social pressures. Oh my goodness. Do we find ourselves in social pressures on a daily basis? You open any social media platform, there is social pressure, you go anywhere. There is a social pressure. This actually plays a huge role in our life. We might fear judgment or criticism from others if we make changes in our lives. So the the huge component of why change is so hard, it is also social pressure. One of the other reasons uh reasons why change is so hard is past experiences. And we all have some past experiences. Negative past experiences more so maybe than positive. And this also can make it so hard to change some certain um things in our life. If we failed before, it can be hard to believe that things this time around will be different. So we have that past experiences that are again holding us back to move past that familiar pain. Another reason is perceived lack of control. We feel that that um we have no control over our situation, and that can make change seem impossible. And I do meet many people, including myself, I do catch myself that if I don't have control over something, I feel well, it is impossible to handle, it is impossible to go through. So when we perceive lack of control, this can also lead us to feelings of hopelessness and resignation. So can you relate to any of these reasons why change is so hard? So those are all reasons for familiar pain that you might find yourself in. Now, for some of you, this can be just a great reminder. Maybe you're all familiar about what is familiar pain and all the reasons behind why change is so hard.

Moving From Familiar Pain to Unfamiliar Freedom

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For some of you, maybe you were looking for something to change the way of your living right now. If you're stuck unhealthy, unhappy, depressed, stressed, maybe this is sign for you to do something different. But whatever that is for you, my question to you is how much longer will you stay in this familiar pain? No doubt change is hard. No doubt that it's not challenging. But it's not impossible. It is so possible and you deserve it. Now by understanding the reasons behind our resistance to change and adapting new strategies to overcome these barriers, we can, you can move from that familiar pain into unfamiliar freedom. It is okay to feel scared, it is okay to relapse, it is okay to get tied on the way, it is okay to break down, to melt down. It is normal to face challenges along the way, but the key is to take small steps, the key is to have support on your journey, the keys to love yourself along the journey, and the biggest key is to be always kind to yourself throughout the process. It is doable, you've got this, you deserve this.