#97 How Self-Doubt Shapes Every Conversation You Have

Have you ever walked away from a conversation convinced you were judged, rejected, or misunderstood, even though nothing obvious was actually said? That is the quiet power of self-doubt. It can turn a pause into rejection, a neutral face into judgement, and silence into proof that something is wrong with you. And often, what feels like insecurity is really an old emotional wound still shaping the present.

In Episode 97 of The Billy Boss Show, How Self-Doubt Shapes Every Conversation You Have, we unpack how invisible scars like rejection, abandonment, criticism, shame, and not feeling enough can affect your relationships, work, confidence, and ability to stay present. This is a grounded conversation about self-doubt, emotional healing, self-worth and confidence, and how to stop projecting old pain onto present-day conversations.

Tune in to hear all of this and more:

[00:00:00] - Welcome
[00:01:04] - The Invisible Scars You Carry Into Every Room
[00:02:37] - Why Self-Doubt Is Often a Wound Speaking
[00:03:51] - The Scar Experiment and the Power of Expectation
[00:07:20] - How Self-Doubt Changes the Meaning of Neutral Moments
[00:09:00] - Projection, Self-Worth, and the Stories We Assume
[00:11:43] - The Business Meeting Example: When Fear Shapes Your Presence
[00:13:42] - How Self-Doubt Shows Up in Relationships
[00:14:03] - Five Steps to Stop Projecting Old Wounds
[00:18:21] - What Healing Really Means

To explore this message more deeply with added reflection and support, visit the blog article at www.billyboss.com/97
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Transcript

Welcome

Billy Boss 0:04

Imagine learning to truly trust and believe in yourself. Imagine rising above self-doubts and knowing deep down that you are enough exactly as you are. Now imagine showing up as your most authentic self, the person you were born to be. Free, lovable, and unstoppable. Welcome to the Billy Boss Show. This is your space if you're ready to stand up for yourself, to shine from within and live fully. If you're ready to be, do, and have more, more love, more joy, more laughter, both personally and professionally, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Billy Boss, and you are listening to the Billy Boss Show. So today's episode is all about how self-doubt shapes every conversation you have. So if you have a self-doubt, only if you have a self-doubt, please stick around. Stay with

The Invisible Scars You Carry Into Every Room

Billy Boss 1:04

me as this episode is for you and myself. And in this episode, I'm going to share how self-doubt can shape the way you show up in conversations, the assumptions that you make about what other people are thinking, and the meaning you give to what happens around you, often without even realising it. And also in this episode, I'm going to share with you how old emotional scars can get projected onto present-day moments and why that can leave you feeling judged, feeling rejected, feeling unseen, not good enough, even when that may not actually be what's really going on and what's happening. So I would like to start this conversation with this question. What scars are you bringing into your conversations, into your life? Can you think of any scars right now? In other words, what invisible wounds are you carrying into your relationships? What are the invisible wounds that you are carrying into your work, your family dynamics, your family conversations? What are the wounds or invisible wounds that you are carrying into your work, your business, your interviews, your friendships, your social settings? What are the invisible wounds that you are carrying into your leadership, self-leadership,

Why Self-Doubt Is Often a Wound Speaking

Billy Boss 2:38

and the everyday moments where life asks you to show up? What are those invisible wounds that we are carrying as a moms or dads? Because most of these scars shaping our lives are not visible. It's not like seeing somebody on crutches or wheelchair or bandaged up so we can see it. It's a physical scar. We are talking about invisible scars. And those invisible scars, they can affect the way we enter almost every room. And the scars that I'm talking about are the rejection scars, a shame scars, a criticism scars, an abandonment scars, betrayal scars, a not enough scar, a not deserving scar, people pleasing scar, a fear of being seen scar. And one of the biggest ways that these scars show up is through self-doubt. And self-doubt is not always just insecurity because we think, oh well, you know, I there is a bit of self-doubt and that means I'm insecure. Very often self-doubt is a wound speaking. And I'm going to unpack this for you in this episode.

The Scar Experiment and the Power of Expectation

Billy Boss 3:51

And what do I mean when I say wound speaking? It is an old pain projecting itself onto a present moment. It is the past whispering into now. So all of our pains and fears, challenges from the past, they are now whispering into our decisions. And if you don't know that this is what is happening, you can spend years believing that the problem is your ability, that the problem is your lack of self-worth or your lack of confidence. Some people they think it's just my personality. When often the real issue is that you are walking into the present, carrying a wound from the past and assuming it still belongs there. So on that note, let me share a powerful scar experiment with you because no doubt this will feel familiar to so many of us. So there is a psychological experiment often linked to the work of psychologists Richard and Angelo, and it explains this dynamic so well. It showed something incredibly powerful, and that is that what we expect from other people can shape how we believe they are seeing us. So in this study, participants were told that they are taking part in this experiment about how people respond to someone with the visible facial differences. So one group of participants had a very realistic looking scar created on their faces by a professional makeup artist. So they were shown the scar in the mirror so they fully believed it was there, while another group went out exactly as they were with no scars at all. Now just imagine that for a moment. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing what appears to be a visible scar on your face, and then being told that you're about to go into the world to speak to people, interact with strangers. You have never seen these people before, and even appear in some interviews. Of course, you would likely feel more self-conscious, maybe more aware of every of your move, maybe more guarded, maybe more sensitive to every look, to every pause, to every reaction. But here's the twist: very important twist. Just before the participants with the scar left, the makeup artist told them the scar needed to be finally touched up so it can stay longer, there is no any cracking or anything. So they really needed to touch it up and set it. What they did not know was that the scar, instead of being touched up, it was actually removed. So they walked into these conversations believing they still had a visible scar on their face, but in reality, there was no scar at all. It was gone and removed. And when they returned, many of those participants reported that people were stared at them. Some of them judged them, treated them differently. Some of them avoided them or seemed uncomfortable around them. Some of them reported that some

How Self-Doubt Changes the Meaning of Neutral Moments

Billy Boss 7:20

people even avoided the eye contact with them. Some of them said they seemed to be reacting to the scar, but there was no scar. So that is what makes this experiment so powerful. The discomfort they felt was real. The self-consciousness was real. The fear was real, but the sky itself was not there. So what this study revealed is that when people expect to be judged, when people expect to be rejected or seen differently, they can begin interpreting ordinary behavior through the fear. In other words, they were not only responding to the interaction itself, but they were responding to the story they were carrying into the interaction. And that is exactly what self-doubt does. It can make a neutral face feel like judgment. It can make a pause feel like rejection. A normal interaction sometimes can feel unsafe. Not because it's actually happening that way, but because an old wound is shaping the meaning that we give to it. Remember that nothing has the meaning until we give meaning to it. So what meaning are you giving to those situations? And this is where it becomes so powerful for all of us because emotionally, so many of us are doing the same thing. We walk into conversations believing our emotional scars is obvious. We walk into the room believing that people can somehow see our insecurities, that people can somehow see our

Projection, Self-Worth, and the Stories We Assume

Billy Boss 9:00

shame, our guilt, our non-enoughness, or our awkwardness, or our fear, or any pain that we are carrying. We assume that people can see part of us that was once rejected. We assume that some people can feel the parts of us that still doubts itself. We also assume that some people can sense the places where we don't fully feel worthy. And because we believe the sky is there, we start projecting meaning onto everything. So in that way, a facial expression becomes judgment, feedback becomes rejection, distance becomes abandonment, our neutral response becomes a proof that we do not belong. And what is underneath of all of this? Very often it's self-doubt. Because self-doubt makes you read the life through the lens of deficiency. Self-doubt tells you they probably think I'm not enough. They can tell that I'm nervous. They can probably see I don't belong here. They can probably think that I'm silly, or they can probably think that I'm too much. They probably see right through me. And then what happens? Projection takes over. And this was me. I remember feeling that everyone was judging me based on my past, the abuse that I endured. I remember feeling as everyone was looking at me and reading on my forehead, I'm abused, therefore I'm not worthy, I'm not enough, I feel disgusted, I feel dirty. I honestly was walking around and when I saw people looking at me, I really felt they can read on my forehead all about my wounds that I was carrying. So projection is when what is unresolved within you or feared inside of you starts shaping what you assume is happening outside of you. So instead of meeting the moments as it is, you meet through what you would expect. And this is why self-doubt can be so exhausting because it doesn't just affect how you feel inside, it changes how you interpret everything. It alters your posture, it alters your tone, it alters your energy, it alters your body language, your confidence, your willingness to speak, your capacity to stay present. So you are no longer in just conversation,

The Business Meeting Example: When Fear Shapes Your Presence

Billy Boss 11:43

you are in conversation and in an internal battle with a story your wound is telling you about the conversation. And I think so many women know this feeling. You walk into the room and suddenly you become hyper aware of yourself. You start monitoring how you sound, how you look, how you're being perceived, whether you're making sense or whether you're now too much or not enough, or whether you should speak or whether you should stay quiet. So you become, we become so hyper aware of ourselves. And while all of this is happening, you are not truly present. You are managing a projected version of reality. So that is what invisible scars do. If you're craving even more inspiration and real talk to fuel your confidence and success, I've got something special for you. Make sure you join my weekly dose of love. It's feel good email that lands in your inbox every Tuesday, packed with motivation, mindset tips, and tools to help you thrive in life and business. You can sign up at billyboss.com or simply click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this episode. Go on, give yourself that little boost of love each week because you deserve it. So let's make this real. Imagine for a moment a woman is walking into a business meeting. So before she has even sat down, an old belief is already running quietly underneath her experience. I'm not smart to be here. So that's what's running underneath her experience. But no one has said that. No one has implied that. Yet she believes it. And because

How Self-Doubt Shows Up in Relationships

Billy Boss 13:42

she believes in it, automatically she becomes sensed. She overthinks her words. She edits herself while speaking. She second guesses her contribution. She starts noticing every expressions on other people's faces. And then she leaves the room thinking,

Five Steps to Stop Projecting Old Wounds

Billy Boss 14:03

well, they could tell that I don't belong here. They could tell that I'm not smart. But could they really? Or were they responding to someone who was guarded, maybe hesitant and self-protective because she had already entered through the lens of self-doubt. She already said some certain things about herself. So this is the thing. Sometimes we think people are responding to our lack of worth, but often they're responding to the energy that we create by our fear. I'm saying this with so much understanding and compassion because that fear has usually history. History of pain, history of some wounds. Maybe this beautiful woman, she grew up being criticised. Maybe she was compared. Maybe she was made to feel like she always had to prove herself. Maybe she learned early that getting it wrong was unsafe. So now in the present, her self-doubt is not random. It is rooted. And if this is not healed, it gets projected. And in the same way, this happens in relationships. And if you would like to know how in relationships this can unfold, please go on Billy Boss's website under the section of blogs so you can read the full blog and link you can also find in the show notes. So let's talk about how to work with this in a practical way. How can we repair those wounds? How can we stop projecting our wounds, our invisible scars? So, number one thing that we need to do is name the scar. What wound do you most often carry into the rooms? What wound are you carrying with you? Is that rejection? Is it shame? Is it not being enough? Is it fear of being judged? Is it fear of being too much? So name the scar. What is the name of your scar? You cannot heal what you refuse to name. So you name it. A lot of self-doubt becomes less powerful the moment it is made conscious. So name the scar, what that is. Then step two, notice the projection. Before any interactions, you need to ask yourself, what am I assuming other people will think about me? This question is gold. Because projection often hides in assumptions. They'll think, they'll think I'm awkward, they'll think I'm not smart, they'll think I'm not enough, they'll think I'm annoying. So ask yourself, what am I assuming other people will think about me? Because this is you, it's not them. If you have your own assumptions, you need to ask yourself then, has anyone actually said that to me? Or is this an old fear speaking? So in this second step, you really need to notice the projection to ask yourself a question, what am I assuming other people will think about me? Whatever assumptions are that you're thinking about yourself, you have to ask yourself, has anyone actually said that? Or is this an old fear speaking? So you really have to run yourself through this set of questions to really define is this just your story, your fear, or has anyone really said something about you? Now this brings us to step three. Bring yourself back to the present. Majority of us, we are either in the past or in the future, but bring yourself back to the present and then ask this amazing question. What is actually happening right now? What is actually happening right now? And this is not what might happen or what happened before. It's what is actually happening now. Right now. Maybe somebody is just quiet. Maybe the room is just neutral. Right now, maybe you are safe. Right now, maybe there is no

What Healing Really Means

Billy Boss 18:21

rejection at all. The only thing that's happening is that your body is remembering old pain. So bring yourself back to presence. What's happening right now? And that brings us to step four. Replace the story with grounded truth. So this is not fake positivity. This is not forcing yourself to believe something extreme. Just grounded truth. Instead of they will probably judge me, you can try, I do not need to assume judgment. Instead of I don't belong here, you can try, I'm allowed to be here. Instead of they can tell something is wrong with me, you can try, I do not need to lead with my wound. Instead of I'm not enough, you can try I can stay present without attacking myself. And this brings us to step five. Enter with presence, not protection. This step is so powerful. So before you walk into any conversation, into any meeting or any room, pause, take the deep breath, relax your shoulders, unclutch your jaw, feel your feet on the ground, and remind yourself that this is not then, this is now. And not every room is my past repeating itself. And this changes everything. This changes your energy because when you stop entering through self-doubt, you start entering through presence. And presence is where confidence grows. And I also want to share this with so much compassion because this affected me deeply. If you have been carrying invisible scars for years, please do not shame yourself for that. Those scars are formed for a reason. Those scars that came from moments where you did not feel safe, where you didn't feel seen, where you didn't feel understood, where you were not protected, where you felt that you are not enough. So this is not about blaming yourself for having the wounds. It's about noticing when those wounds are still speaking for you in places where they no longer need to lead. So this is healing. And healing is not pretending the scar never existed. In fact, healing is no longer assuming that every room will respond to you the way your pain once did. And I think this is one of the most freeing truths. And I want you to remember this that not every silence is abandonment, not every piece of feedback is rejection, not every mutual face is judgment, not every room is unsafe, not every person is here to confirm your self-doubt. What happens is the more you heal, the more you begin to meet the present at the present time, not as a projection or not as a proof of your wound. And this actually really changes many things in our lives. It changes how we speak, it changes how we listen, how we love, how we lead, how we trust, it changes how we let ourselves be seen. So if this episode speaks to you today, I want to leave you with these reflection questions that you can ask yourself. What invisible scar have I been assuming everybody can see? How has that scar been shaping myself doubt? What do I expect before anything has even happened? And what might change if I stopped projecting my wound onto the room and started meeting the room as it is? Because you are more than what happened to you, you're more than the shame you have carried, you're more than the rejection you survived. Certainly you are more than the criticism that shaped your inner voice. And certainly you are more than the self-doubt that learned to protect you. And certainly the world does not need the version of you that is always connected to the hurt. It needs the version of you that it's healing enough to be present. I hope that today's episode will find you well and that you can take something for you that can support you in the journey of healing. Thank you so much for being here with me today. If this episode touched your heart, share it with someone who may need the reminder that not every room is their past repeating itself. And if you haven't already done so, make sure to subscribe to Billy Boss Show so you never miss an episode. New episodes are released every Tuesday. Now, if no one told you today, let it be my pleasure. You are enough, you are deserving. And until next time, my friend, stay well and stay safe. Your support helps us reach more incredible people just like you.