#95 Why Affirmations Feel Fake, And What to Do Instead

Have you ever said an affirmation out loud and instantly felt like you were lying to yourself? Maybe you have repeated self-worth affirmations, hoping they would help you feel more confident or secure, only to feel disconnected, frustrated, or worse afterwards. If you have been wondering why affirmations do not work, this episode will meet you with honesty and compassion.

In Episode 95 of The Billy Boss Show, Why Affirmations Feel Fake, And What to Do Instead, we unpack why affirmations not working is often an alignment issue, not a personal failure. This grounded conversation explores why positive affirmations can backfire, why self-love affirmations feel fake for many women, and how old wounds around self-worth, rejection, criticism, and childhood trauma can shape confidence and self-esteem. It also offers a gentler, more effective way to rebuild self-worth using language your nervous system can actually receive.

Tune in to hear all of this and more:

[00:00:00] - Welcome
[00:01:23] - Why Affirmations Often Do Not Work
[00:02:35] - When Positive Self-Talk Leaves You Feeling Fake
[00:04:02] - Old Wounds, Self-Worth, and Internal Conflict
[00:05:21] - The Tug of War Between New Beliefs and Old Beliefs
[00:06:08] - When Affirmations Do Work, and Why Alignment Matters
[00:08:39] - What to Do Instead of Forced Affirmations
[00:10:42] - The Believable Bridge Statement
[00:14:28] - Examples for Self-Worth, Appearance, and Failure
[00:17:53] - The Real Goal: Safety, Self-Trust, and Honest Healing

To explore this message more deeply with added reflection and support, visit the blog article at www.billyboss.com/95

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Transcript

Welcome

Billy Boss 0:00

Imagine learning to truly trust and believe in yourself. Imagine rising above self-doubt and knowing deep down that you are enough exactly as you are. Now imagine showing up as your most authentic self. The person you were born to be. Free, lovable, and unstoppable. Welcome to Billy Boss Show. This is your space. If you are ready to stand up for yourself, shine within and live fully. If you're ready to be, do and have more, more love, more joy, more laughter, both personally and professionally, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Billy Boss, and you are listening to Billy Boss Show. If this is your first time here with me, welcome. I'm glad you are part of this journey and no doubt there is a reason why you found us. So thank you for being here and welcome. Also make sure to subscribe to our show so you don't miss a bit. New episodes are released every Tuesday. As per every Tuesday, I have something nicely packed for you that you can take away, start implementing, use what you can, and see how you and your life can transform through those little snippets of these weekly inputs. And today's topic is all

Why Affirmations Often Do Not Work

Billy Boss 1:23

about why affirmations often don't work. And I know I hear you, this can be a little bit controversial. No doubt you have been hearing so many people saying, well, speak positively to yourself, go in front of the mirror, say how beautiful you are, how lovable you are, how amazing you are, how you can do many things and all of that positivity and that intentional self-talk. Yes, I hear you. However, before I go any further, let me say this clearly. I'm not against speaking positively. In fact, I do that. I'm also not against intentional self-talk. I teach that. And I'm certainly not against words that uplift, that energise and support your growth. In fact, I do all of these things and they are part of my coaching journey with my clients. But I also want to share the truth about something that many of us or many of you experience, and we don't really speak so much about that. And that truth is that so many

When Positive Self-Talk Leaves You Feeling Fake

Billy Boss 2:35

men and women repeat positive affirmations over and over again, but instead of feeling empowered, uplifted, energised, they feel fake. They feel frustrated, they feel disconnected. Can you see yourself in this? Do you feel fake after standing in front of the mirror for five, ten minutes, speaking positively to yourself? And then you think, oh my gosh, I just feel disconnected with myself. I'm so frustrated. And some people would even say, Billy, I even feel worse. Don't worry, we'll get to that. Why do we feel that way? And when we have such an experience of feeling fake, frustrated, disconnected, then we start to think, well, what's wrong with me? Why is this not working for me? Why can't I believe what I'm saying? And no doubt some of you might be feeling that this feels so forced. It's not natural. So I want to say to you today with so much love, there is nothing wrong with you. And good on you if you have tried to speak positively. And good on you if you realised that you are not really feeling uplifted. That shows that you really have the great self-awareness. And the problem is not that you are broken or something is wrong with you. The problem is that if your inner

Old Wounds, Self-Worth, and Internal Conflict

Billy Boss 4:02

world is carrying deep wounds around self-worth, around shame, rejection, criticism, or even self-judgment, then some affirmations can create internal conflict instead of internal safety. And conflict is not where healing thrives. And let me just explain what I mean by this. If someone deeply struggles with self-worth and they stand in front of the mirror and keep saying, I'm beautiful, I'm confident, I'm worthy, I'm myself, I'm successful, I'm magnetic, I'm the life of the party. But instead, they deep belief is I'm not good enough, I'm very awkward, I'm so unattractive, I'm so broken, I don't belong here, I'm not lovable. Then what happens? Part of the brain responds read resistance and it says, Well, you are not what you're saying that you are. That's not true what you're saying. Well, you are lying to yourself, this is ridiculous. Who are you trying to fool? And suddenly instead of creating that safety, what do you create? You create a tug of war inside yourself. One part of you is trying to force

The Tug of War Between New Beliefs and Old Beliefs

Billy Boss 5:21

a new belief while another part of you is defending an old wound. Does this make sense? That one part of you is forcing a new belief. Yes, I'm so great, but part of you it is defending an old wound, saying, Well, that's not quite true. I feel totally opposite. And this is why affirmations can backfire for some people, especially if they're too far from the current self-concept. So, what does that mean? When your words are in direct contradiction with what your nervous system believes is true, well, then body does not relax into them, it actually works against them. I just actually want to throw this in here

When Affirmations Do Work, and Why Alignment Matters

Billy Boss 6:08

that this episode it's not about saying that affirmations never work. That will be really wrong. Affirmations absolutely they do work for people who are connected to themselves. So affirmations they do work. But if you feel that affirmations are not working, that's giving you an information that maybe you are not connected deeply to yourself. Affirmations they work beautifully for people who already feel worthy. They work for people who feel lovable. They work for people whose inner world is already more aligned with the words they are speaking. So when someone has a healthy relationship with themselves, positive language lands much differently versus when somebody does not have that healthy relationship with themselves. So when we have that healthy relationship with ourselves, the positive language also feels very natural. It feels supportive, it feels congruent, it feels like an extension of what they already believe or at least what they are open to receive. So, yes, affirmations can absolutely be powerful and they do work, but if we feel that they're not working, then we really need to work on connecting with ourselves. So, yes, affirmations can absolutely be powerful, but they are powerful when they are aligned. And this is the key. Alignment is the key. Now, if your inner world is saying one thing and your mouth is saying another, then the gap between those two places can create more tension than transformation. So if affirmations work for you, beautiful. Thumbs up, keep using them. If you feel connected to the words, if your body receives them, if they support your confidence, if they support your self-worth and self-love, that is wonderful. But on the other hand, if they don't work for you right now, if they feel a bit forced, if they create resistance, if they make you feel like you are lying to yourself, then please hear me out. You don't need to force a method that is not meeting you where you

What to Do Instead of Forced Affirmations

Billy Boss 8:39

are. And this is the perfect time to introduce what I want you to do instead. If you find yourself in conflict, if affirmations do not work, or if you notice that your nervous system pushes back every time you try to speak in extremes, I want you to try this instead. Self-affirmation, growth-oriented statement. Okay, that's mouthful. So this is something I love teaching because it is honest, empowering, and deeply supportive. I also want to mention that this is not my creation. It is not my innovation. I have learned this from my coaches, from the people that they already have done this work and they're teaching it. So I have adopted this part of my own strategy. But in fact, what I created for me, we will get to this later on, it is believable bridge statement. So I just wanted to make sure to say that self-affirming growth-oriented statement, that's not my innovation. So, what does self-affirming growth-oriented statement mean? Well, this means that we stop lying to ourselves. We stop trying to leap to a belief that feels so far away that our whole system rejects it. And instead, we create a bridge between where we are and where we are going to be. So by creating that bridge between where you are and where you would like to go, where you're going, this bridge, it's not negative, it's not weak. In fact, it is wise, it is grounded, and it is very sustainable. Because what we are doing here is not trying to shock the brain into change. In fact, we are trying to safely guide ourselves into a new belief. And the way we do this is by creating

The Believable Bridge Statement

Billy Boss 10:42

what I just mentioned before, a believable bridge statement. So let's try this out. Let's say your core belief is I'm not good enough. Now, if this is your deep belief and you jump straight into I'm amazing, I'm more than enough, I'm worthy, I'm completely worthy, what can happen? Your mind can reject it. But what if instead you started like this? I'm working on becoming better. So I'll just remind you, if your core belief is I'm not good enough, and rather than jumping into positive, I'm amazing, I'm enough, I'm worthy, let's try this way. I'm working on becoming better. I'm getting better each day. I'm showing up for myself. It is possible for me to feel good enough, but see that we're it is possible because it is, it is so possible for all of us to feel good enough. Or you might say something like, I can see myself becoming more confident. I'm learning to believe in my worth. Can you feel the difference? Can you feel the difference between I'm not good enough into I'm amazing or I'm not good enough? I'm working on becoming better. I'm not good enough, I'm more than enough, or I'm not good enough, I'm getting better each day. So please feel that difference. It feels softer, it feels more believable, it feels more grounded, it feels like gradual improvement rather than forced performance. And this really matters so much. It matters to our safety, it matters to our nervous system, it matters to our growth, it matters to our transformation. This way it's believable. It creates that possibility. The statement feels believable. Your nervous system is far more likely to accept it. And when your nervous system accepts it, guess what? It becomes something you can actually build on. You're giving small evidence to your nervous system, and now it has that foundation to start building it on. Then over time, as that bridge strengthens, you can move from I'm learning to believe I'm enough to I am becoming more secure in who I am. And that takes you to I know I have value, and then eventually I am good enough. So we are building the blocks, we are building that believable bridge statement. And allow yourself time to go through this journey. This is a journey, a very powerful journey. In this journey, you're not bypassing the wound, you're not pretending, you're not faking your confidence, you're purely building a real intentional shift. If you're craving even more inspiration and real talk to fuel your confidence and success, I've got something special for you. Make sure you join my weekly dose of love. It's feel good email that lands in your inbox every Tuesday, packed with motivation, mindset tips, and tools to help you thrive in life and business. You can sign up at billyboss.com or simply click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this episode. Go on, give yourself that little boost of love each week because you deserve it. Now I'll give you another

Examples for Self-Worth, Appearance, and Failure

Billy Boss 14:28

example. Let's say that you've got belief that I'm unattractive. So if you try to force that belief, so from I'm unattractive to I'm the most beautiful person in every room, that might feel so far away that your whole body starts to tingle. So instead, your bridge might sound like this. So from I am unattractive, you can say, I'm learning to be kinder to myself. I'm beginning to see myself with softer eyes. My worth is not based on looking perfect. I can appreciate parts of myself right now, today. I'm open to building a healthier relationship with how I see myself. I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skill. And again, can you feel that difference? There is a movement, there is a growth, certainly there is a truth in this, and it also gives you a room to breathe. Now I'll give you another one. And I'm mentioning these core wounds because I hear them very often, and no doubt they have been part of my transformational journey, and they have been my core wounds as well. Now, if your belief is I always fail, now instead of saying, Well, I'm so successful at everything I do, you might begin with, I'm learning through every experience. I can grow from what did not work in the past. I'm becoming more resilient. I do not need to get everything right to move forward. You can say something like this: I trust that I can keep improving. I'm capable of creating different results. And then over time, that belief can shift from defeat into self-trust. So this is why the key is not to jump into opposite extreme too quickly, but the key is to create that believable bridge statement. Because when you do build that bridge properly, you can eventually walk all the way to the other side. From I'm not good enough to I am learning to see my value, to I am becoming more grounded in my worth, to I am good enough. So this is the work, this is the healing, this is how you create change that actually lasts. And I think this is such an important conversation because so many, again, men and women, have been taught to either stay in self-criticism or force themselves into fake positivity. But certainly there is another way, a healthier way, a gentler way, a more honest way. And we always want to make sure that we are honest with ourselves, the things that we are speaking, that those things are believable. You don't have to shame yourself into confidence. And certainly you don't have to lie to yourself in the name of healing. Again, you want to be honest with yourself. You can tell yourself the truth in a way that still moves you forward. And I call this self-leadership.

The Real Goal: Safety, Self-Trust, and Honest Healing

Billy Boss 17:53

And this is also emotional maturity, and no doubt this is healing in action. So, yes, self-leadership, emotional maturity, and healing in action. And this is actually something that we'll be doing inside Release and Rise Experience too. So we will be working through those kinds of identity shifts, emotional healing tools, and practical ways to rebuild confidence and self-worth from the inside out. So if you would like to be part of that journey, you can find the link in the show notes. Now, what is the real point of this episode? I want to leave you with this really clearly. The key takeaway is this. If your words are creating conflict, they are not creating safety. Please remember that. If your words are creating conflict within, they are not creating safety. And we cannot thrive in life if we don't have that internal safety. And if you're not creating safety, you are not helping your healing journey. So the goal is not to say the most positive thing, the goal is not to say the most supportive thing. The goal is not to impress yourself with the big statements and big words. In fact, the goal is to build self-trust with an honest one. The goal is not to force belief, but the goal is to create a bridge into belief. So that is the shift that Billy is talking about. So if affirmations have not worked for you, it does not mean that you're negative. It doesn't mean that you're broken or something is wrong with you. And it certainly does not mean that you are failing. It simply means that you need a more aligned method, a more compassionate method, a method that meets you where you are while still guiding you to where you want to go. And that, to me, is where real transformation begins. So here's what I want you to do after this episode. Take one belief that has been hurting you. Just one belief. Write it down, write down the harsh thoughts, then ask yourself, what is a believable breach statement I can use instead. So not the most dramatic statement, not the most perfect statement, the most believable one. Then practice it daily. Speak it gently, repeat it consistently, and let yourself grow into it. Use the example that I just have given you. We've got three examples here. Please go to the Billy Boss website onto the blog and you'll find all this written out for you. Remember that healing is not about becoming someone else overnight, it is about coming back to yourself one honest thought at a time. So, my friend, thank you so much for being here with me today. If this episode speaks to you, please, please, please share with someone who is tired of forcing affirmations that do not feel true. No doubt you are going to support them. And if this conversation resonated and you would love deeper support, make sure you check out the Release and Rise experience in the show notes. Also, if you haven't already, please subscribe to Billy Boss Show so you don't miss a bit. New episodes are here on every Tuesday. I'm Billy Boss, your host, and I'm so grateful that you are here with me. Now, if no one told you today, let me have that pleasure. You are certainly enough. You are amazing. You are deserving of everything. You are lovable. And until next Tuesday, my friend, stay well and stay safe. I would be so grateful if you could leave us a five star review and rate our show. Your support helps us reach more incredible people just like you.